definition of bittersweet

heres my newest work. still needs fine tuning and merging...but its getting there...and since its officially 1:39...i think i need to sleep instead of play.

another update?

so. i decided a few things.

1. i am coming home after this semester. NOT because i dont love it here. icould really see myself staying...but...unfortunately...it wouldnt be making steps in the direction i need to go. so im coming home...abby you better get my room ready ;) im serious this time. no more doubting. i need to be home for a while-work on relationships...work on school...give more of myself to my community. im excited. and scared. but more excited than anythng.

2. i am for sure going into social work. yes. i am committing. i see a need. and i know i can fit myself with that need perfectly. i've been volunteering my free time at an organization called give kids the world and it has made me realize this is what i love doing. giving to children. and its also made me realize how much i miss autumn and want to give her a big ol hug.

3. as grown up as i may be...i have very immature taste. my room mate jen and i went to the Food & Wine Festival @ Epcot-and the only thing we tried-a snow cone. HAHA. here was all the different kind of foods and wines for us to sample for free (yay for being a cast member) and all we do is get a snow cone. oh well. it was a blast.

my family is coming on wednesday. im excited to share a little piece of my life with them!!! :) i worked a 14 hour day today. and im still not tired enough to fall asleep by 2. i LOVE what im doing.

and how does that make you feel?

you ever have one of those days where no matter what you do you cannot please yourself? funny right...i AM me. but i cannot even make me happy...haha.

no. its not really about being happy...its about everything. tonight i got an email from an....ex friend...

and how did that make me feel?

crappy. not crappy. maybe happy. no not happy...maybe sad. no not really sad...more like confused....confused. i am literally confused about ever emotion in my body right now. not only every emotion...every thought, every desire, every love, every hate.

so when i am asked how i feel i dont even know what to say. hmm...how do i feel?

i feel like i want to scream. and thats the only way i can describe it. i feel messy and confused and i dont know what steps to make next...

and the only thing that i can hold onto is the fact that im SICK of always having to think about whats next WHILE i am fully in what is going on!!!

why cant i just enjoy fully what i have now and gracefully move into what is next. noo. i have to decide if its more valuable for me to stay and do a professional internship rather than going home and going back to school.

okay. i need sleep.

a favor?

so. while walking home...in the rain (i hate the "sunshine state" and all of its rain) i decided to pray. it feels weird to not go to church on sunday...and even moreso not be involved with any kind of serving/ministry. this is probably the most...selfish move i've made. and by that i mean, this is all because i wanted to be here-all because its my dream-all because i wanted it. but God-well God has me here, and i needed to discover why. then i realized...why the heck dont i do a bible study. i've been looking for one out here...but clearly its not popular. haha.

so im gonna do it. i might be the only one who shows...but i need to do it. i've never done something like this before, and im kind of afraid, but luckily i had a great bible study teacher-so...at least i have that to fall on. :)

so what im asking you...is to pray...because i dont know what im getting into...

wooo. here goes something.

information overload

sometimes i feel like...i just cant get a grip on what im thinking. that i have too much swirling around to grasp one thought...and though i might have something bold and amazing to say...i just cant.

today is that day.

i think i am having an information overload.

but what i guess i should announce is...i am applying to intern here next semester. although this one would be more like a real internship. i'd want to do it either with the imagineering team, or the event marketing team. so. wish me luck. at this point i dont really care if i get it or not. i'd LIKE to get it...believe me...but i'd also like to go home. so we'll see.

ooh life is crazy. i never thought in a million years i'd be here today.

if i could give her the world...

there is only one person i miss seeing more than my family. and thats autumn. i have recieved two letters from her...both soo perfet and precious that it brought tears to my eyes. i can truthfully say that i love her. and that she has taught me more than i had ever expected.

i can think of a million reasons to take her and run away. and it scares me that i'm not there. you have not seen horrific until you walk a day in her shoes. i cant even fully grasp what is going on...

i miss her laugh. her smile. her intelligence. her child-like tough attitude. her hugs. her love. sometimes when you start helping people, you realize that you might be the one that is recieving the help. she's taught me how to love-no matter what. and how to sit back and not control the situation. how to see the beauty in such an ugly situation.

i wish she was here...and that i could always keep her safe.

my new room mate.

we have soo many funky animals living (and dying) in our apartment. my room mate woke up the other day and saw a frog hopping across the floor. we have termites in our kitchen. and snakes in the grass. and i cannot even count the number of lizards i see in a day.

i guess im not used to all these animals just hanging out.

but this one...this one has been here for a while. the poor thing must have jumped in at the right time...either that or the last people who lived here were awfully mean. :)

welcome to florida.

take my breath away...

i met a boy today. riding on the bus...who completely gave me butterflies. it was CRAZY. i dont even remember the last time i HAD butterflies in my stomach. and these were real...genuine butterflies.

now. i dont even know how to explain it. i wish i could put words to the feeling i felt. but there...there are none. the hour bus ride home FLEW by. we talked about school. about life. about KIDS. i mean, he wants to work with inner city kids. he said...and i quote..."making a difference in the lives of children is the best thing in the world...i dont know how i couldnt want to do it for the rest of my life." and then i found out he lives in the SAME building as me.

so. we got dropped off...and he walked me to my apartment....i put the key in...and it was the WRONGGG apartment. hahahahahaha. i about pissed myself laughing. it was soo funny...cause we both had NO clue we were in the wrong building. psh. it was FUNNYYY!

i still cant stop smiling from it.

his name is rusty.

oooh...and abby...i think he might be gay...so you've got nothing to worry about. :(

ooh love...why are you such a messy subject.

swim little fishy

i went to typhoon lagoon...and boy...it was crazy fun. its like...10 million times cooler than wild waters...

this is where you SWIM with sharks. i freaking kid you NOT there were sea creatures rubbing up against my leg. this is also where my room mate chickened out. :)
and here's me. with my body soo freaking tense. this was the scariest-most wonderful experience ever. :) haha. oooh man. i just laugh at my tan body...my shoulders and legs are tan...and my butt and back are whiiiitteee. :)
anyway. still here. still having fun. my headache FINALLY went away after working a 12 hour shift and taking medicine last night. it was awful.

headaches

i have a huge headache tonight. the kind where i cant move my eyeballs up or down or anywhere for that matter without sharp pain stabbing through my brain. sometimes i wish i would have just had surgery and fixed my brain instead of suffering through headaches. it blows.

i wish i could sleep.
i wish i could be at home.
i wish i could blink without pain.
i wish i could not ever have to work.
i wish i could stop thinking...for once.

man oh man...i have been blessed with such a beautiful life. a life filled with adventure and challenges. with success and failures. with changes and victories and millions of inside jokes. i have been soo blessed.

i hate when i start to complain...

someone just kick me.

The Inner Voice of Love

As you see more clearly that your vocation is to be a witness to God's love in this world, and as you become more determined to live out that vocation, the attacks of the enemy will increase. You will hear voices saying, "you are worthless, you having nothing to offer, you are unattractive, undesirable, unlovable." The more you sense God's call, the more you will discover in your own soul the cosmic battle between God and Satan. Do not be afraid. Keep deepening your conviction that God's love for you is enough, that you are in safe hands, and that you are being guided every step of the way. Don't be suprise by the demonic attacks. They will increase, but as you face them without fear, you will dicover that they are powerless... The love of jesus will give you an ever-clearer vision of your call as well as of the many attempts to pull you away from that call. The more you are called to speak for God's love, the more you will need to deepen the knowledge of that love in your own heart. The farther the outward journe takes you, the deeper the inward journey must be. Only when your r oots are deep can your fruits be abundant. The enemy is there, waiting to destroy you, but you can face the enemy without fear when you know that you are held safe in the love of Jesus.

-Henri Nouwen