real life - idaho edition

i hate being told to enjoy someones last moments of life. as if...i can just turn off the fact that he is so sick and be okay. I came here knowing it would be hard-all around. but seeing him, and enjoying him, is so difficult. I cant help but think everyone is busy being "normal" with him...when in all actuality we should be more focused on what is going on. i dont know...because another part of me feels like this is what he would want - us coming together and enjoying our time. so far so good.

Last night i had the most wonderful conversation with my cousin justin, even though he was a tad bit on the drunk side. but i really...REALLY enjoyed that moment. he's such a hardass and seeing him upset was really...different.

its a lot all at once - to find out grandma has lung cancer and papa brain and liver cancer. I get frustrated over wasted time, over not visiting enought, over missing out on oppertunities with them. I get mad even here for not taking the time to sit with them and steal their attention. and i know everyone keeps telling me i cant change the past - whatever. doesnt make me want it any less.

i know papas stubborn. and a fighter. but there is only so much will your mind has over your body...and years of mistreatment and neglect catch up very fast. so i wish my family would stop acting like this isnt real. stop pretending he isnt dying. just stop...and be real. for once.

im supposed to be starting school tomorrow. i know i told christy i would try to relax...but its getting to me. and the fact that i'm not going to have worked a full week is also stressing me out. knowing i am going to have to come back out here sometime in the next 8 weeks to mourn also stresses me out. i dont know what to do. i am trying to take this just one day at a time...but i feel so weak.
so freaking defeated.

i come home in a week. hopefully sometime within this week i will be able to just sit and enjoy. sit and be. sit and relax.

thank you to everyone who has poured countless amounts of encouragement and support my way. this is going to be a rough semester, and although i never ask for it enough. i really need some help getting through all of this.