refreshing

maybe its being up at 5 am that makes me more cynical than most days

dancing in the street

dancing in the street
Originally uploaded by loveunfailing

im pretty sure i have an obcession with light. <3


i love making myself invisible

steady feet dont fail me now

blue eyes
Originally uploaded by loveunfailing

They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

come on...

just fight for me.

fight for me.







its soo simple.

i wish there was something i could legitimately do

i dont know at what point it went from nothing to this. at what point does someones heart start to really deeply care. i wish i could separate my feelings into tupperware boxes...pop open the lids when they seem most appropraite, but we all know emotion doesnt work that way...especially not with me.

i hate when you can see hurt. and feel hurt. and be in the presence of hurt. and not be able to do anything about it. and when i look at him...thats what i feel. i love making him smile and laugh and forget...but in reverse i start taking on this huge burden myself. maybe i dont know how to draw the line. maybe a bigger part of me wishes i didnt have to. but i feel him. soo real. he is real to me.

i want to scream I KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE. and i want him to hear me.
i want to grab him and say ITS OKAY. and i want him to feel me.
i want to cry with him, i've BEEN THERE TOO. and i want him to know me.

while all this time...placing my heart on the line. and its probably not a good thing. this isnt going to have a happy ending, i see no sunlight and butterflies for me.

im telling you. if there was a way to detach myself from people. i would.

you crack me up

you crack me up
Originally uploaded by loveunfailing

i am terribly sick. i have literally been in bed for the last 2 days strait, while catching this illness for a while. call it a head cold. call it what you will. i call it misery. everything hurts. my eyeballs. my brain. my muscles. my bones. i can even feel my skin ache at times. i have shortness of breath. shortness of vision. shortness of awake-ness...i am seriously ill.

but on a good note its given me time to play. on my computer that is.



and on a even better note. people who make you laugh should always be in your life. thanks for making me laugh and smile and feel better a bit today.

millions of interviews

this week as been swamped with interviews, meeting, dr. appts, and the normal "real life" stuff that just cannot get done when you're on the other side of the country.

im super sick of interviewing. and am pulling for one job right now. hopefully i'll get it. i'll know monday. if not. its back to the drawing board.

the meltdown

i think the meltdown was a ticking time bomb. you can only live two lives for so long. maybe it wasnt really two lives...it was more like i was living with two totally different perspectives. but still. i knew i was going to crash, it was just a matter of how hard.

through a series of events since i've been home, i've come to realize how far away i am. my heart is not in this. my head is not in this. my body acts, and thats that. its hard to live and not really fully live, like im just here...i dont know what switched in my brain but its painful.

there are areas in my life that are broken, weak, and wounded...and i dont really know how to fix them. its as if im holding onto this meaningless junk, waiting and desiring to change, but not acting like i do.

so. here's where i meltdown. where i cry, where i scream, and where i admit...for the first time



i cannot do this on my own strength.

boy oh boy

it feels GREAT to be home.

<3

i was all worried for nothing

and...its over

i catch the shuttle to the airport in 39 minutes. scared. slightly.

sometimes i dont know how i get through situations. this...is definitely one of them....but we made it. we all made it.



and im soo sad that i cant even count the tears that have been dripping from my face. i feel like im leaving high school all over again. i am legitimately sad im leaving.




im going to miss everything....



and no matter how much im going to miss everything. i am excited to finally sleep. my body is in shut down mode. goodness....


reno...here i come....